My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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