Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
