Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
