My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
