she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
