if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize