I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Less talking, more tequila
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
