mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
