i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
