Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
