I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize