I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize