This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
