sorry about calling you the devil all night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I enjoy the company of your penis
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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