guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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