i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
