When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize