Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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