just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
