So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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