this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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