Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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