census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
