Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
