remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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