i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
