I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
