So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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