Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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