the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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