I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
