Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
