Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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