I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
