After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
