I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
