broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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