i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
