I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
