Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
