i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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