You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
