Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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