just survived the first fart of the relationship.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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