There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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