so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
