I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
