Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
