Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
