hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
