All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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