we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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