why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
babies were throwing up all over the place
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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