I think im going to throw up on grandma
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
