If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
