What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
