After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Less talking, more tequila
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
