every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
