When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sext me about skeletons
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
