Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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