clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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