I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
