dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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